Time & Kids

If you have time, do you have kids? If you have kids, do you have time?

Since having kids, I am more aware of my time, or lack there of. Mostly because pre-kids, I could pretty much make my own schedule - hours of free "me" time before and after work. Now my free moments are like butterflies - always just ahead of my grasp, and if I catch one, she flies away before I can truly appreciate her.

It's my expectations that kill me. The ones that say "I will have 'ME' time when....." Opportunities like "bedtime" or "when they're watching T.V." or "oh good, they're getting along for a minute.." become huge disappointments because I put so much value in those moments to get a bit for myself. Whether it's a minute to surf the net or call a friend, or a plan to carve out a couple of hours to write, I seem to be endlessly disappointed when an interruption occurs. The movie wasn't that entertaining, the kids are bickering, someone can't sleep or needs a water cup. Don't even get me started when my one day off is "ruined" by a sick call from school. Nope, not much sympathy there for my sick child. "When is there time for me???" My mind rages. I'm starving here!

People tell me, "Take some personal time." "Have time for yourself." It's all true, and maybe it would do me some good. But on the other hand, I'm missing out on so much. I don't get to take my kids to school. I don't get to pick them up. I'm working. I love my job. But by working, I'm missing out on my other job. And so when I am home, I don't call the babysitter. I don't go to Starbucks and leave my family behind. I suck it up like any good martyr (a.k.a. mother) would do. I remind myself that my time is 10 years from now (probably even less than that). When I'll be wishing for these times again. Wishing I could spend more time with them and less by myself.

Yesterday, my other half needed a 15 minute break. He'd been watching them all morning while I worked. And so the kids & I donned our boots, mittens, jackets, umbrellas and scarves and headed out for some puddle jumping. We waded through worm filled streams, kicked wet pine cones into the gutters, felt the rain on our heads, laughed, joked and pondered. By the time we reached Starbucks, I got my cup of joe and the kids were good and worn out. I wouldn't have traded 5 hours of alone time for the short opportunity to walk in the rain with my kids. And when we got home, the movie seemed a lot more appealing, and I had a few minutes break. Until....

Expectations - they get me every time. 10 years. 10 years. I will have time someday. Right? Maybe? Please? (Okay, guilt is setting in now...)